


groupie love

by saltyvenus



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Child Abuse, Dark, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Lesbian Sex, Smut, Strap-Ons, please read the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:21:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26935039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltyvenus/pseuds/saltyvenus
Summary: there is no sappy start, but this is how it begins, and how it ends.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Annie Leonhart
Comments: 52
Kudos: 305





	1. groupie love

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the fic “disgusting” by lithiumnails but re-posted by balikat
> 
> tags are important! if you don't like the content, pls don't read!!!! anyways I've always wanted to write a dark pic....so lets go
> 
> title: groupie love - lana del rey

when annie trudges into school, there's a mask slinged across the bottom of her face. she isn’t sick, nor is it in style right now, though annie wouldn’t know a thing about that, but rather, it’s a cover. make-up, annie decides,  _ concealer _ , would never be enough to hide the large gash on her swollen lip, and the small bruise sporting right below her chin.

people take notice more quickly than she thinks. 

there’s staring, when she walks into her first class of the day, that makes annie want to curl up into a ball in the corner. she’s not one of those kids, those popular people who would peak in high school and become miserable for the rest of their lives, however annie already seems miserable enough now, adding a stream of popularity would make it somewhat manageable.

nonetheless, she doesn’t like the attention she’s receiving because of her new attire. annie can see hitch stifle a laugh at the front, her curly hair bobbing as she brings a hand up to cover her snickering mouth. she only ignores her, stepping to sit in the back table with reiner and bertholdt, trying her best to not cast a glance at the woman next to her instead, mikasa ackerman.

annie huffs as she sits down, though it is muffled by the mask, but reiner hears it anyway.

“are you alright?” he asks, annie can see bertholdt nodding in agreement from the corner of her vision. she just shrugs, tugging on the strands of her hoodie. the mask makes it hard to breathe, but she would rather come into school with an unusual accessory than sport a concerning and, quite disgusting, injury.

“here, got you this.” under the table, reiner slides a hefty pack of marlboro cigarettes into her palm. “i know you’ve been stressed.”

annie shoves the pack into her messy bag. “thanks, been running out.” she mutters, and although he can’t see her smile, and the way her lip painfully stretches at the small tug of movement, annie is forever thankful. 

reiner nods, giving her a small pat on the back, one that has her squirming in the slightest from the sudden physical contact. annie tries not to make a big deal about reiner’s calloused hand resting on her body.

alas, the bell rings and the teacher walks in, starting class. annie fails to notice mikasa’s steely gaze from the seat in front of her.

xx

when class ends, which annie thought it  _ never _ would, her teachers have a habit of dragging out every single point possible, she takes off from the boys, who she promises to hang out with at lunch time, stopping by the bathrooms.

slowly, annie pushes the door in, grateful to find it completely empty and safe. there’s no one under the stalls either, she checks when she bends down, even when the half closed doors give the impression that they are occupied. 

annie heads to the mirror, pulling down her mask in the slightest, enough for her to see the gash on her lip, dried with blood but still itchy and throbbing, yet not enough for annie to see the black and blue bruise underneath. she thinks it still needs more time to heal, a couple days, maybe, annie could go a while wearing the mask. so long as the attention surrounding it evaporates into the air like every other shitty rumor this school has come up with.

annie pulls the mask back up immediately after hearing the door open, she couldn’t have people knowing exactly  _ why _ she was wearing the piece of cloth, if only to save whatever was left of her reputation by a thin strand. she wasn’t a complete lowlife like some of the others, but she definitely wasn’t at the top of the social pyramid. her ‘bad girl’ and ‘don’t care’ status could only go so far. 

but her eyes are averted from the door, she doesn’t know who has actually walked in until they, ultimately, stop right in front of her. annie can smell the soft aura of perfume wafting into her nostrils, knowing that literally no other girl in the school has a scent as specific as worn out cologne, she stands up straight, finally.

mikasa has her arms crossed in front of her, the thin material of her shirt outlining her biceps quite nicely, though annie has grown not to stare anymore - it would just cause her more pain. 

mikasa is terrifying, annie knows it, she’s  _ always _ known, if the way she glared and how her hands felt on her body meant anything to annie. 

when mikasa speaks, it’s sharp and firm.

“you haven’t forgotten about the arrangement, haven’t you?” mikasa peers down at annie, which, curse her for being so much taller, it still makes annie feel some sort of fear spurt out of her. yet, she doesn’t show it. but the mention of the ‘arrangement’ stirs up an odd feeling, it wasn’t something she could easily forget, not when she has been actively participating in it anyways.

annie swallows, eyes darting everywhere but the girl in front of her, who wears a cold expression, eyebrows furrowed. 

“you mean the arrangement that  _ you  _ created for your own benefit?” annie recognizes that talking back to mikasa is a huge, if not, deadly, risk to take, especially when her face sets and she looks downright scary. 

mikasa clenches her jaw, annie can tell she is holding back something. 

“you act like a slut like you doesn’t enjoy it.” mikasa bites back. annie falters slightly under her mask, that thankfully doesn’t show her full expression, but it still hurts a little. it was more of a way out, if anything, another distraction annie could have amidst all the shit in her life, from school, from home. mikasa was an opportunity outlet that she was willing to take and just forget everything.

annie doesn’t respond to this, really, what was there to even say? mikasa takes her silence as an opening to ask another question. 

“also, why are you wearing that?” her finger points to the mask on annie’s face, inches away from her skin. it has annie nervously bringing her hand up to clutch at it, as if she was covering her normal face.

“i felt..sick.” she lies through her teeth, but it wasn’t like mikasa would care enough to catch her out on her lie, or much less, what was behind the mask. though annie can’t imagine mikasa being as heartless as she thinks, after all, she is still human. perhaps her way of treatment has overshadowed her actual feelings as a being - but annie isn’t so sure that is the case. mikasa has never shown any sort of kindness towards her in the slightest, not yet anyways. the arrangement wasn’t up to annie to change.

mikasa’s eyes are set on the mask, slightly squinted, slightly disgusted. “well, don’t spread some sort of disease to me.” then, they travel down annie’s body, at her ripped jeans, but further, shamelessly looking at her crotch. “in more ways than one.” mikasa says, and her eyes snap back up to annie’s. 

to which annie doesn’t reply again, mikasa decides to end the conversation there, finally exiting out of the bathroom without another glance. 

annie is stunned in place. her lip throbs even more with uncomfortable pain, and she hates how there is another area of her body that also throbs, but with with ultimate desire.


	2. you're in the bar, playing guitar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut 😏

“shit.” annie groans into her pillow, biting down onto the white corners. her hands grip onto the bed sheets tightly, body jostling with every thrust from mikasa. it wasn’t completely like her, to be so submissive, to be thrown around like a rag doll, to be  _ used _ , but annie thinks a lot of things haven’t been like her lately. 

especially when mikasa grips her hips with immense force, she should’ve remembered this girl was some sort of powerhouse, and pulls annie closer, working the strap-on into her. 

it hits annie in all the right places, deep in her core where the arousal bubbles up. the pleasure is mixed with the pain, annie knows that’s how mikasa likes it when her cold hands move from her hips to her round ass, red and bruised from mikasa’s previous antics.

there isn’t a lot of conversation, during these arrangements, except for the occasional moan and the muttering of words, sometimes when mikasa gets too out of hand, which annie realizes happens way too often than it doesn’t. though it wasn’t like annie could say anything, this whole thing and mikasa were the only aspects in her life where she could just zone out and not think about anything else, and annie doesn’t care whether mikasa beats the shit out of her whilst doing it or not.

but it was always like this, mikasa would sneak into her room in the middle of the night, pulling away any distractions from annie’s hands, a strap-on hidden in her coat. there wouldn’t be talking, no bickering or chatting, just mikasa forcefully flipping annie onto her stomach and pushing the toy into her cunt. it was enough for annie, to be fucked in the stillness of the night, in the darkness of her room. at least it was someplace familiar, a comfortable air. 

her busted lip had healed up nicely, only a small scab now. her bruise was still visible, but not by much. however it still had mikasa looking at it with some confusion, to which annie had countered by saying she just hit herself accidentally. 

it wasn’t like mikasa was going to kiss her on the lips, anyway - even if sometimes annie catches herself staring at them, all red, perhaps some lip gloss too, or maybe not. she didn’t seem like the type of girl to wear make-up, but it still has annie wondering if her lips were as soft as they actually looked. 

though, mikasa wasn’t really a ‘touchy-touchy’ person, and quite frankly, neither was annie. but a soothing hand, instead of the rough, cold one gripping her ass tightly, would’ve been nice, would’ve been something  _ different _ . 

the toy stretches her out even further, and with each soft moan that escapes annie’s mouth, mikasa digs her nails deeper into the bruised flesh of annie’s ass. she bites the pillow, of course she isn’t just some coward to cry out in the open, but it  _ does _ hurt. in fact it hurts a little too much, the stinging after only proves that. 

“fuck.” mikasa’s husky voice rings in her ear like a soft buzz, somehow it takes her mind of the impending pain inflicted on her.

annie only groans in response, clutching the bed sheets even more tensely. she’s just thankful her hoodie is still plastered on her body, so mikasa wouldn’t be able to see the white scattering of faded cuts and the bloodied bruises etched into her skin. it wasn’t like her home life was any better than her school life, but at least in school she was able to get away from the grips of her father. 

so long as mikasa is here as her distraction, and she doesn’t ask questions, annie thinks she’ll be alright for now, her father was something she could deal with in her own time, no matter how stressful or terrifying it can be. 

“damn, it’s too big.” annie eventually whines, she’s sure the strap-on is destroying her walls right now, and combined with mikasa’s rough pounding, it proceeds to drift further away from pained pleasure to just flat out pain. 

“but you like it big, don’t you?” mikasa sneers from behind, her hands dangerously start to trail up annie’s body, making her stiffen in the slightest. although, mikasa’s hands move past the hem of her hoodie, and annie breathes a sigh of relief, or whatever air that leaves her body in this situation. instead, mikasa’s hand comes to rest on the back of annie’s neck, squeezing. annie isn’t really the fondest of choking.

“just fuck me.” mikasa’s fingers pinch the red patch of skin there, annie holds in a small yelp at the contact, but her thrusting speeds up, and her other hand slowly spreads annie’s thighs further. there is no doubt that she’s shaking right now, her legs just barely give out enough, and mikasa always goes the furtherst. 

annie thinks she likes being in control, rather, she  _ knows _ it, and it’s pretty obvious too. mikasa doesn’t settle for any less, annie wonders how far her desire to be dominant would go. maybe she was just attracted to mikasa sexually, and it would be completely plausible anyways.

she was rough,  _ yes _ , but was the sort of thing annie could handle - it made the arrangement more interesting, so long as she didn’t go far, though mikasa can’t really read the room sometimes, which annie finds odd for a girl as observant as her.  _ sometimes _ , annie would just have to lie down and take it. it was only a distraction, after all.

another moan slips from her chapped lips, in dire need of release, but mikasa loves to tease, she loves to pull whilst annie pushes, when annie thinks it’s too much and there’s stars clouding her vision with bright white light.

annie’s face in still hidden into her pillow, she can’t see the motion behind her, but she imagines what mikasa looks like right now, if there’s also a hard blush along her cheeks, if she’s looking at annie with that look in her eye - the scary kind, but annie finds it hot regardless. annie wonders if she’s biting her lip with every thrust, or if she desperately craves to move her hand to a different part of annie’s body - a newer area.

and it isn’t like annie  _ wants _ to see what mikasa looked like plowing her from behind, but just the mere thought itself stirs up some unwanted arousal in the pit of her stomach, and her thoughts drift into something else the more mikasa drills the toy further into her core, making annie feel fuller than ever.


	3. i'm trying not to let the crowd notice me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for child abuse

a big red ‘34%’ is scribbled at the very top of annie’s test paper, which has her sucking her teeth in disappointment, fear. it wasn’t like she couldn’t get the grades she wanted, but annie doesn’t like to try, she doesn’t like to go out of her way to put in effort. 

what  _ she _ was scared of, however, wasn’t the actual grading, or the test material. but rather what was about to await her at home.

annie tries not to think about what her father was going to say, or do, for the remaining lesson time. she also tries not to catch mikasa's quick glance behind her shoulder, eyes locking for the briefest moments, to which annie convinces herself that it must be only an accident.

xx 

annie is quiet when she gets home, she doesn’t make too much noise when she unlocks the front door, or when she slightly pushes it open, but it does make a creaking noise from the rusty hinges that has her cringing.

“annie.” her father’s croaky voice wavers through the air. he’s sitting in the living room, a can of beer in his hand, as always, and a crease in his eyebrows. his blue eyes, the exact same ones that annie had inherited, but more strained and angry - angry at the world, at everything around him, his own daughter. 

“yes?” annie closes the door behind her, yet her back is pressed completely against the wall when she sees her father getting up from the couch. he slugs over to her, wobbling on his feet, and annie knows for certain that he is totally drunk. 

“i heard about your grades.” is all it takes for annie’s eyes to widen in fear. it must’ve shown too clearly on her face, because her father slams his cup down on the kitchen counter, the veins on his forehead bulging out in aggravation. annie tries to move back even more, but she is already in the furthest position she can get. 

“you really think that’s enough?” he paces towards her with sudden speed, his legs don’t give out when he does this, not like previously, and annie thinks that he is used to it. 

her father stops right in front of her, his cold, hard gaze cutting away at any hope she had to be left alone and unharmed this time. they could’ve been something normal, a proper family, god, annie doesn’t even  _ know _ how that feels like. she had watched her father spiral down a dark hole, to the times when she was welcomed home to him drinking away everything to turning violent in the smallest span of seconds. 

her mother on the other hand, was but a peaceful memory in her mind. dead or not, annie can’t remember a single thing about her, no pictures on their walls, not even a familiar face. though, annie can’t help but think how different her life would have been if she still was here with her, would it even change? would she still come home to her father’s raging temper, or, perhaps, would her mother do the same thing? 

still, annie doesn’t respond to her father’s words, which she knows is a huge mistake, given the way his clenched hands tremble in their hold. he takes another step forward, annie can smell the alcohol on his breath, and her heart pounds faster as she moves her head away.

“i don’t care.” annie finally replies, gritting through her teeth. her stubbornness is only fueling the fire in her father’s eyes, but annie definitely knows she’s tipped it over the edge when his hand unclenches, and instead comes down to crack her across the face. 

annie barely reacts, after all, it’s already happened so many times in the past. however, it doesn’t stop it from hurting any less, especially with her previous bruise still in the process of completely healing. 

her eye bugs out, it throbs under the immense pain. annie can sense a black scattering building up around it, and she hopes she hasn’t thrown out her blocky sunglasses to cover it later. that is - if it is even  _ that _ bad. her father has inflicted worse.

“i hope that teaches you to put in effort, you fucking leech.” he spits, and if annie’s gaze wasn’t trained on the floor below her, where the slap has shocked her in place, she was sure he would have had a sadistic smiling tugging at his lips.

annie wonders how far her luck will go.

xx

_ it is bad _ . annie thinks when she looks in her mirror. somehow, in the course of just ten minutes, the swelling has exceeded, slightly puffy along her eyelids. the black splotches have darkened, merged into purple and light green, which annie finds disgusting, as always.

upon seeing the discoloration on her face, annie’s mind drifts back to mikasa, in one way or another. just the bruising makes annie think of the raven haired girl, or of how terrified she was if mikasa dared to lift up her shirt that one time.

annie is curious as to how she would react, how the expression on her pale and chiseled face would look like if she were to find out the sole root of the arrangement, that  _ this _ was it. that the only way annie could handle all those beatings if they were done and inflicted by mikasa, so that annie could turn all the pain into pleasure. so that she could actually feel something good for once in her life.

and mikasa was compliant at least, the arrangement was an odd thing but it worked, sort of. even if it didn’t, annie was desperate to make it work.

“shit.” she hisses when she accidentally touches the bruised flesh. it wasn’t as horrible as the last one, but annie decides she wouldn’t see the light of day if she would go to school tomorrow, there was only so much those glasses could do, they weren’t as reliable as the mask. one small shove and all her secrets would be exposed to everyone. 

annie jumps when she hears the buzzing of her phone on her night stand, from her position, she can see reiner’s name pop up on the screen. annie resists the action of rolling her eyes, it would just cause more pain to the tender skin. 

strutting to the night stand, annie skims over his short text, innocently asking for the math homework. annie wants to snort, people like her and reiner didn’t do that kind of work, not trying in school, or only there for the experience. though, annie knows the consequences in her situation anyway, the pulsation of other bruised areas on her body won’t let her forget.

annie shoots back a quick text, mocking him for his sudden eagerness to learn, and sets her phone down again. 

the house feels more empty now, her father is probably choking on his vomit right now, annie prays that it gets clogged in his windpipe, hoping he would feel the same pain as she is feeling in this moment - but it is still silent. 

sighing, annie looks back behind her to the window,  _ closed _ , though she knows mikasa can find her way through anything, she is an insanely smart girl, top of their class. 

annie desperately ponders how mikasa would act in this situation, if she would even  _ put _ herself in this situation, if her father, too, would snap at the smallest of things, if he would suddenly turn violent at the drop of alcohol. if she even had..a normal family. 

but as annie turns her head back around, and her eye still beats with terrible pain, she perches on her lonely, vacant bed, the one where mikasa was fucking the shit out of her just mere days ago, and annie asks herself if it’ll always be like this. if, in another life, things would be so much different. 


	4. it's so hard sometimes with a star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mikasa starts to become suspicious.

nighttime falls once again and there’s a cigarette hanging from the corner of annie’s lip. it has been a couple days since the birth of her black eye, though it has healed in the slightest, the gross scatter of color was still present - in fact it turned out to be more vibrant and stood out more  _ now _ than it did some time ago. annie praises herself once again at her skills that she managed to fake a call to the school, lying about her absence.

having not left her room for those days, or more like, she hasn’t been outside since her father had smacked her across the face and gave her this gnarly bruise, also meant that she hasn’t seen mikasa in the events leading up to this. 

not that it was a number one priority in annie’s mind, they didn’t even talk during school, except for mikasa’s steely glances that would somehow find her own eyes occasionally, to which annie still thinks is just a small coincidence. there were a lot of people in that class anyway, and even though annie and the guys were the only ones who sat in the back, directly behind mikasa, annie pushes the thought that it doesn’t mean anything. 

after all, to annie it almost seemed like mikasa was  _ ashamed _ of being near her. all times where she would corner her, it happened often too, it would be in a secluded area, like in an empty classroom, or the abandoned field on the other side of school. not that annie could blame her, the arrangement was something secretive to them, and only them. it would be a shame if other people found out about their personal antics.

plus, it was just a fun thing, nothing serious, or any strings attached. at least, that’s what annie tries to convince herself with.

annie inhales the cigarette smoke, feeling it travel down to her lungs, like a fresh burst of fullness. albeit it wasn’t healthy, though annie finds her bad habits are much, much worse, and more damaging to her body than a puff of smoke, it sets her at ease with every exhale she takes from the joint. 

it continues like this for some time, annie lying on her bed, looking up at her sickly pale ceiling, how it peels at the corners and how the paint is scratched in the most inconvenient places, the cigarette between her teeth slowly withering down the length away. some of the ashes fall onto her bedsheets, burning tiny holes into the white cover. it makes her look like a bum, the entire house does, it was never one of those fancy or rich buildings like the ones uptown, like the ones those preppy kids would have, but annie could care less. her room in itself was already a reflection of her, with the messy clothes thrown carelessly on the floor, the cigarette buts on the nightstand, the trash scattered across the base of her closet. 

a harsh knocking at her window suddenly startles annie. it almost has the cigarette slipping from the grip on her lips, but annie rather takes it between her two fingers so it doesn’t happen again.

at her window, she has to squint because it  _ is _ nighttime and the light from her lamp doesn’t spread across the whole room, is mikasa.

immediately, annie turns her head to the side, and just for safe measure, she holds her left hand over her bruised eye. how could she be so careless? did mikasa notice? even if she didn’t, annie was sure she still looked suspicious.

annie hears the window opening and mikasa’s blocky boots hitting the floor as she jumps into her room. there’s some shuffling, annie desperately wants to turn her head back around and look, but she manages to resist it. the window closes. 

“so.” mikasa’s voice is a cutting edge through the uncomfortable silence. “i haven’t seen you in a while.”

annie’s head is still tilted to the side, but she brings her cigarette back up to her lips, shrugging in response. “thought we weren’t meant to, y’know, outside of the bedroom.” 

mikasa doesn’t reply, though annie knows her anger is being bottled up gradually, with each passing moment, so she pushes on, sighing.

“just leave.” annie says, there isn’t a tone of defeat in her voice, but there might as well be, she just doesn’t want mikasa to see her like this, it’s embarrassing enough as it is for her to be stripped underneath mikasa, slashes to her ass, her body barely taking the huge strap-on mikasa seems to adore. “i’m not in the mood.”

mikasa scoffs, by the weight of her footsteps, annie senses that she is coming closer towards her. “why not? you deserve it, don’t you think? been skipping and all that?” mikasa’s tone makes annie cringe - there’s some fear embedded in her heart, but annie still replies because she’s stubborn and always needs to get the last word.

_ finally _ , annie turns around to face mikasa, not caring about the black eye anymore. mikasa’s face doesn’t really change at the sight of it, but annie can detect the small furrowing of her brows, perhaps she’s used to this kind of stuff, of parents who don’t love their children enough and dysfunctional families. 

“do you care if i skip or not? that’s not your problem.” annie exhales smoke out of her lungs into the tense air. mikasa takes a few steps forward, annie can see her anger clearly. she’s never seen mikasa like this, there might as well be fumes steaming out of her ears right now, but her eyes are dark, darker than usual, and annie feels like she’s stepped into something reckless.

“i don’t think you should be talking to me like that.” the way her voice flows out, annie thinks it dangerously mimics her father’s, everytime she comes home with a bad grade and a knack for back talking. 

“why?” annie only pushes again, mikasa’s temper is on a cliff, barely hanging by a thread, and annie is just pushing. “what are you gonna do about it?” 

her snarky tonality is quickly subdued by mikasa puffing her chest, her fists clenched in themselves, annie can just about see the blue veins trailing down the length of her pale hand. annie knows she’s done it when mikasa lunges towards her, grabbing her from the back of her neck.

the cigarette falls from annie’s lips onto the ground, not only from the force but also from the sudden shock, it has her mouth opening with disturbance with mikasa’s hands on her.

“mikasa!” annie tries to level her voice, but it’s hard when mikasa is forcefully pushes annie’s face further into the pillow. “get off.”

mikasa doesn’t listen, annie can feel her thighs straddling her back, and perhaps in another situation, annie would’ve been turned on, there would’ve been some slick running down the sides of her legs. “you think you can lay here and take it as a punishment?” mikasa’s other hand finds it’s way onto annie’s waist.

and for once, mikasa yanks her shirt up. 

“what the fuck are you doing?!” annie yells, though muffled by the pillow, desperately trying to pull her hoodie down her torso, but her hands just don’t reach and mikasa’s grip is too strong, stronger than hers, anyway. her heavy breathing rings in her ears, she doesn’t even realize the air around them has become silent until her heart stops pounding so quickly. 

it worries annie, when mikasa doesn’t say anything, and it isn’t like she could see her face, what she is thinking, when her face is planted into the bed and all she can see is darkness. it seems like her actions have stopped, thankfully, but her cold fingers touch the exposed skin. annie flinches.

“what’s this?” her tone changes, so suddenly, to something more hushed. annie doesn’t think she’s ever heard mikasa speak like this, so small. “i didn’t do this.”

annie swallows, she blinks away the tears she didn’t even know she had at the corners of her eyes. it surprises her to see mikasa so concerned about the blotchy black and blue clots on her body, as if the visible bruise on her face didn’t mean anything at all.

still, even after being pinned down by mikasa’s freakish strength, annie bites back.

“how’d you know it wasn’t you?” annie spits. “you get carried away, hm?” she manages to turn her head around, because mikasa’s grip loosens, and she watches as mikasa’s face just drops. her eyebrows are furrowed, a hint of confusion, but her mouth is open like she’s about to say something, yet the words won’t come out. 

annie thinks she almost looks...guilty.

“no.” mikasa says, she removes her hand immediately from annie’s skin, like it was on fire and she had just gotten scolded. “i wouldn’t do this.”

mikasa’s expression is almost too much for annie to handle, she had done a complete one-eighty. it nearly makes  _ her _ feel bad at mikasa’s expense. so annie follows up with a lie, right out of her ass, but she hopes it works.

“it’s reiner.” annie replies, averting her eyes. the lie comes through her teeth smoothly, yet it has her biting her lip in nervousness. “you know he plays rough sometimes. it’s nothing.”

mikasa doesn’t seem convinced, but annie is able to break free from her loose hold, sliding out from underneath her. there’s another emotion in mikasa’s eyes, one that annie can’t identify even to save her life, and her face seems sullen. maybe she did actually have a heart, or one that was more sincere than annie thought. 

mikasa mouth opens again, annie is sure she’s going to talk now, anything, she doesn’t know what  _ exactly _ there is to say, but annie waits.

until her door knob rattles harshly, the metal clashing against the wood of the door, and there’s a garbled sound outside, a mess of words.

it alarms mikasa, who jumps at the sound. the door is being pounded from the outside, and mikasa turns to look at annie, whose face has paled further than it was when mikasa was holding her down before.

“it’s just my father.” annie reassures, like that was any better. but she hopes that the broken lock and the shitty stack up of chairs against the door doesn’t make too much sense to mikasa, who annie deems already suspecting enough.


	5. when you have to share him with everybody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mikasa apologizes.

annie doesn’t interact with mikasa at all, especially not after last night, after the bruises, after her father’s drunken interruption which left annie with the thought that maybe mikasa knew a little too much about her home life.

she hopes her lie works, of course she was naturally a smooth liar, but there was only so much that could get past a person like mikasa. 

annie sits down in her usual seat in the back, next to reiner. mikasa’s eyes don’t follow her this time around, and annie doesn’t know if she’s feeling grateful or disappointed. mikasa’s attention was always something strange to her, she didn’t actually know if she craved it or not. 

“hey, hey.” reiner nudges her with his elbow. he looked like he could do that damage to her, right? reiner was strong, he also did lose control sometimes, and mikasa doesn’t know reiner like she knows reiner. only annie would know he would never do something like that, but to an average audience, like mikasa, it seemed plausible that reiner was just a meaty beefcake.

“what.” annie’s mood had been soured since last night, she never knew such an interaction could leave her so drained - physically and emotionally. 

reiner doesn’t notice, or if he did, he doesn’t make it a big deal. “soooo, historia’s having a party at the end of the week.”

annie shrugs, her eyes are instead trained on the back of mikasa’s skull. she doesn’t know what she is waiting for, perhaps for mikasa to eventually turn around, lock eyes with her, like she usually does, maybe. “right.” 

“well, i got invited. yay.” reiner gives a greasy smile like this was the greatest accomplishment he’s ever done in his life, and it probably was. but then, his next sentence is actually directed to her. “and you’re coming too.”

annie’s eyes widen. there was no way historia, no matter how kind she was, would ever stoop to their level. she was a rich girl, lived in a mansion, probably had a perfect family too. though, annie thinks she seems more open minded to those of her kind, ymir was her girlfriend after all, and there was nothing high class about that woman. 

“why would i be going?” annie raises her brow at him cautiously, tearing her gaze away from mikasa’s raven locks. “and, historia? how?”

reiner chuckles, but his boasty laugh nearly shakes the table. it nearly has mikasa tilting her head behind her, which annie braces herself for a stare she never gets. “ymir and i are tight, if you know what i mean.” reiner makes a hand gesture that annie knows is a reference to some type of narcotic. “she supplies me, basically.” 

annie just nods slowly. “so, what difference would it make if i were there?”

“i  _ want _ you to be there, a little night fun never hurt anybody.” reiner slings his arm around annie’s small shoulders. his words ring in her mind, and her thoughts suddenly drift back to her father. what would he do if annie came home late,  _ drunk _ , spewing out hateful words because annie knows how she is when her brain is intoxicated with alcohol. maybe he would know how it feels for once.

and annie decides that going to this party wouldn’t be the worst thing after all. 

xx

annie lights up another cigarette during lunch break. she’s all the way behind the gym, no one goes here anyways, except for hushed makeout sessions or, like her, to smoke. 

it’s been getting worse, recently, her unanticipated binging, chain smoking. annie’s pretty sure she’s gone through at least one pack a day, and she only has a couple cigarettes left in her pocket. she reminds herself to bribe reiner for some more later.

but it helps her get through the pain, sort of just numbs all and everything so annie can sit aside her problems and deal with them in the future, which is never a great idea. yet the more smoke she inhales, the more she can feel the persistent itch evaporating. it makes the remembrance of last night seem like a freakishly vivid nightmare, annie wishes that were the case, but it was something that was just too harsh to forget.

mikasa’s hands on her felt like a burn, it was unwanted and unnecessary, annie supposes that it only feels good when she asks for it, when she’s begging mikasa to let her cum and mikasa is just staring down at her like a pest, her rough hands gripping her hips with a great amount of force as she digs the toy further into her delicate walls. 

_ she had been so mad _ . annie thinks to herself, exhaling out the smoke into the air. her anger was a problem, annie didn’t even know mikasa cared that much about her being in school. and it wasn’t like she could use the arrangement as an excuse, that was solely after hours, and just  _ sex _ . it didn’t include mikasa tracking her down like a lost puppy. 

then, there was the look in her eyes when her drunken father had thumped the door. it was a wave of odd emotion, some heavy tension in the atmosphere that annie couldn’t quite place but it made her feel uncomfortable anyways. she had never seen mikasa look like that, and annie could sense her skepticality once her eyes were trained on the setup of chairs beneath the doorknob.

annie scuffs the dead grass with her boots.  _ so what if she knows? what would she do about it anyway? _

“do you have a second?”

annie flinches at the sudden sound, looking up and, ultimately, her blue eyes meet with mikasa’s steely grey ones. annie stands up straight, then, taking in her full length. her long sleeved shirt still hugs her arms a little too tightly, but annie doesn’t mind as she subtly ogles mikasa’s defined muscles through the white material.

“what do you want?” cutting to the point, annie doesn’t have time if mikasa is going to threaten her like the first time. she’d rather not waste her lunch break getting yelled at.

surprisingly, mikasa looks down at the ground, her hand reaches up to scratch the back of her neck. it looks comedic, to have mikasa like this in front of her. almost doesn’t seem real.

“i think i went too far last night.” mikasa admits, there’s even guilt showing on her face, much like last night, after she had pulled up annie’s shirt and potentially found out some things she shouldn’t have. “um, it wasn’t..alright.”

annie furrows her eyebrows, she tries not to look too shocked. but the patches on her body still throb. “and you’ve just become aware of this now?” annie can’t help her snappy tone. 

mikasa too, narrows her brows, so much that there’s a crease in the middle of her face. “what’s that supposed to mean?”

annie brings the cigarette back to her mouth, her gaze is strong alongside mikasa’s. “you know what it means.” as her arm lifts to take a hit off her joint, annie’s shirt rides up in the slightest, and annie takes notice of how mikasa’s eyes immediately glance down to her purple-reddish torso once again. “there’s no such thing as too far with you.” annie knows she’s just saying things, mainly to rile up mikasa, because playing with her isn’t an opportunity to give up, even if she can lose her stance. 

mikasa’s jaw twitches at the implication. “i can end this at anytime. though i’m not sure if you can live without another beating and a strap in your hole.” mikasa spits, although the way she delivers it just feels too...fabricated for her to actually mean it. in fact, her face doesn’t match her words at all.

hopefully, annie’s hurt on her face doesn’t show. but it still hurts, painfully so. she swallows the lump in her throat and disguises it as puffing the cigarette smoke out. 

“right. is that it? bye then.” annie is amazed at how steady her voice comes out, especially when her heart clenches.

but mikasa doesn’t leave. annie thinks she looks like she’s reconsidering her previous words. her feet are trained on the ground, she looks to the side before she begins to even look at annie.

she sighs, it smells like defeat to annie. “look, i don’t care if you don’t accept my apology. but just know that have boundaries to this as well, and i feel like i’ve overstepped yours. i don’t know what i was thinking, so, i’m sorry.”

annie doesn’t say anything, she isn’t sure if she  _ should _ . really, what was there to say. it had been an invasion of privacy, but at least mikasa knew her fault, and given how she spoke just now, it seemed like she would never do it again. 

instead, annie chucks the cigarette on the ground, twisting the burning ashes with the sole of her boot. mikasa watches the ambers die out.

“just don’t get mad for no reason again. it’s not very fun.” annie fatally reveals. though she doesn’t go too far in depth about the whole father situation. for all annie could know, she could accidentally confess something that mikasa didn’t even catch on to, cornering her into a grim, tight spot.

mikasa nods curtly, annie realizes how the strands of her hair fall right in front of her face, neatly. she doesn’t know why she’s pointed it out, but suddenly it’s all that stands out to her, the thin, short pieces of raven hair.

mikasa then leaves without another trace, without another glance, and annie feels weird all of a sudden. 


	6. you're in the club, living it up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> annie goes to the party.

friday rolls around too quickly for annie’s liking, and she’s forced to go to historia’s party by reiner, who is as excited as always. he pick her up from home in his truck, or more like, annie sneaks out of her bedroom window and jumps two stories down into the garden. she wonders if this is what it feels like, breaking and entering, from mikasa’s point of view. 

annie shakes her head. she really needs to stop thinking pointless thoughts.

she can just barely see the truck in the dark, only reiner would never have his headlights on, but luckily the shiny red color stands out in the night. 

“ready to go?” reiner says enthusiastically when annie hops into the passenger seat, buckling her seatbelt. “this’ll be fun, promise.”

annie just rolls her eyes, she takes one last glance at her house, completely blacked out save for the small light illuminating her bedroom from her lamp. she only hopes her father would be passed out the entire night, at least until she gets back.

“whatever, let’s leave.”

“you seem more crabby than usual.” reiner pulls out of her driveway, annie can see her house gradually becoming smaller with every passing distance in the rearview mirror.

annie shrugs, peering out the window, at the damp streets and the potholes until reiner enters the busy highway. “am i? i feel like i’m alright.” another lie, annie ponders to herself when she started fibbing so much.

but she just can’t tell reiner about mikasa, about their little interaction a couple days ago, about how mikasa genuinely seemed upset at her previous actions, about the strange fluttering in annie’s stomach when mikasa looked at her like that, and when she left, annie had felt a wave of coldness. 

of course, all her moods, her anger, her desire, her melancholy, it was all related to mikasa, some way or another. the girl managed to simultaneously bring out every emotion annie could possibly give, like a rollercoaster of destruction, annie was still in it for the thrill. 

reiner swerves into the exit lane, eyes trained on the gps on his phone, but he gives a quick look towards annie next to him. “it’s just not like you. did something happen?” 

annie ignores him, as per usual. mikasa is a topic that shouldn’t be brought up, the more annie thinks about it. especially when it only confuses her more.

immediately she can recognize when they enter historia’s neighborhood, the gated buildings give it away, but also it seemed so much safer. it felt like annie wouldn’t have to fear for her life just simply walking around the block. 

as reiner pulls into the driveway, the gigantic one, by the way, though annie thinks it fits since historia lives in a mansion with stairs and palm trees at the sides. 

when annie unbuckles her seatbelt, after she sees the mass chain of cars right outside the curb, she isn’t so sure if a girl like her is suited for a life like this. 

xx 

and annie is correct, parties aren’t her thing. there’s too many people, she scopes out pretty quickly, because her and reiner barely get past the door with the crowd. she clings onto his arm as he moves them across the sea of drunk teenagers, annie would’ve been sure she would’ve gotten lost without him, her height hinders a lot of things. she’s pretty sure someone’s drink nearly spilled on her. 

they pass by historia and ymir on the staircase, reiner thanking her gratuitously whilst ymir glances at annie with a knowing look in her eye.

there’s also the music, it’s too loud, and probably just a garble of words thrown over a shitty beat, annie can’t understand anything - but it seems like everyone else is enjoying themselves, to which annie thinks that maybe _ she’s _ the problem here. 

reiner drags her into another room just outside the living room, almost like a secret door. she’s skeptical at how easily he knows his way around historia’s home, however then she remembers the whole ymir situation. 

he opens the door, smiling, and when the light from inside shines on her face, she realizes that it’s actually a game room.

“we’re here!” reiner boasts, annie detaches herself from his arm. eren and jean are on the pool table, whacking each other with the sticks, armin watching them cautiously and sitting next to him on the couch...mikasa.

annie is frozen in her spot when reiner leaves her side to grab a drink by eren, who shoves at least three cans of beer into his arms, because mikasa is staring directly at her. she doesn’t know what to expect, obviously a girl like mikasa would be here, her circle of close friends included historia after all. annie can’t possibly feel more out of place right now.

she settles for sitting in the corner, the game room is quite big anyway, so everyone is all on the other side and annie is just secluded in her own space - even when reiner chuckles a beer at her, and she barely manages to catch it with her hand. 

annie looks at the can, it’s blue with white writing plastered across it. it is the same brand her father drinks, the one that gets him so agitated, turns him into a different person. annie only sets the can down next to her. she doesn’t drink it. 

xx

a couple hours past, and it’s still as boring as it was when annie arrived. the only difference now is that both reiner and eren are drunk, so, great, that eliminates her chances at getting home this evening, and jean is passed out on top of armin, who attempts to wiggle out under his heavy body. 

annie’s eyes glance across the room, there is no sign of a raven haired girl. 

sighing, she looks back to the can of beer on the floor. she picks it up, but still doesn’t drink it. to be fair, she never planned on becoming drunk in the first place, especially not from  _ this _ brand of alcohol. 

“i can take you back home, if you want.” once again, annie jumps at the sudden sound, the beer drops from her hand and rolls onto the floor, stopping beneath the sole of a foot. annie looks up, eyes squinted. 

mikasa bends down to sit the can up beside her, realizing that annie  _ isn’t _ going to actually drink it, and annie wonders how long she had been here, probably hiding in the shadows. 

annie’s mouth is dry, but she manages to let her words flow smoothly from her lips. mikasa’s stare pieces right through her, it’s only worse because she is just a few inches away from annie’s face. “what about the boys?” she asks. 

mikasa looks behind her to a drunk eren and armin feeding him a water bottle, finally freed from jean’s drunken state. reiner is still unconscious. “they’re sleeping over.” she turns back to annie, who averts her eyes at mikasa’s blatant attention on her.

annie swallows the scratchiness in her throat. “i...don’t wanna go home.” she hates how vulnerable her voice becomes, but it’s true. she doesn’t want to sneak back in, in the middle of the night, and probably wake up to even more bruises on her body. 

she also hates the expression on mikasa’s face, like she’s aware. annie just prays to whatever god is out there that mikasa does  _ not _ bring anything up, annie doesn’t know if she’ll be able to handle it. 

mikasa doesn’t, thankfully, though it doesn’t change her manner. still, her hand reaches out in front of annie, almost welcoming. it isn’t unnatural for annie to flinch at this, she’s been commissioned, and sometimes mikasa’s hands are just as worse as her father’s. yet, this time, it seems more sincere. 

“then, would you like to go to mine?” her hand is waiting.

annie has a dubious look on her face. would mikasa be so kind as to let her into her home? as far as she knew, this was bordering over the lines of the arrangement. 

slowly, annie takes her calloused hand, and mikasa lifts her up from the ground.

_ it’s warm _ , annie registers, and for once, she enjoys the feeling. mikasa drags her outside the room, annie spares once last glance to the boys behind her, and weirdly enough, she thanks reiner for being too drunk to drive her home. 

“it’s not far.” mikasa whispers into her ear when they reach the cesspool of the crowd once again, like earlier, annie clings to her arm like she did with reiner. but mikasa’s voice sticks to her mind, it sent tingles up her spine when she leaned down to talk in her ear. 

mikasa is more strategic at getting them out of the pit, there’s no accidentally bashing into people nor is there the risk of drinks spilling. safely, they reach the entrance. 

xx

mikasa isn’t lying when she said her house was close by, it’s only a couple streets down from historia’s. 

the night breeze picks up tremendously when they arrive on the doorstep, and annie regrets letting go of mikasa’s hand immediately after leaving the party, but she wouldn’t know how to act if it was still clasped underneath her own.

mikasa unlocks the door, it’s pretty quiet, and dark too, save for the small creak of light coming out of a room in the far back. annie thinks it’s her parents' room. the other girl starts to walk up the stairs, so annie follows her silently. she can’t help this impending feeling of her heart thumping against her chest when mikasa takes her to her bedroom. 

“here.” mikasa opens the door for annie, and she  _ shouldn’t _ feel an unusual flutter in her stomach at the simple gesture, but she does.

annie sheepishly goes to sit down on mikasa’s tidied bed. in fact, her entire room was clean and neat, albeit a little bland, yet still so much better than annie’s own. there wasn’t any trash on her nightstand, no clothes on the floor either. 

mikasa locks the door, which suddenly peaks annie’s nervousness. what were they going to do? talk? what would they even talk about? annie has no clue about any of mikasa’s interests, and annie wouldn’t be surprised if it was the same for her.

but to answer annie’s impending thoughts, mikasa reaches into her dresser without an explanation, without another word. annie isn’t sure what she’s searching for until she pulls out that damned toy.

of course, they were going to have sex. their whole relationship was based around it anyway, annie didn’t know what she was thinking when she thought they were about to do something  _ else. _

“do you want to?” annie looks at the strap-on in mikasa’s hand. it’s the same one she’s used all this time, but somehow, in this light, it seems more appealing to annie than before - perhaps it wouldn’t be the worst thing right now.

annie sighs, lying down on the bed, gripping her shirt so that it stays down and doesn’t ride up her torso. “okay.” 

that’s all she says, and it’s all it takes for mikasa to slip her pants off, annie refrains herself from sneaking a glance at her legs, her creamy thighs, toned with muscle, to put the harness around her waist. 

before mikasa grabs at annie’s ankles to pull her closer, annie blurts out.

“but, hey. uh, could you just like...go slow today?” her voice lingers between anxiousness and attempting to be bold. so quickly, being vulnerable around mikasa feels like a threat and slap in the face all at the same time.

mikasa scrunches her brows, she still moves across the bed until she’s on top of annie, and annie doesn’t think she’s ever been this close to mikasa physically. every time they’ve catered to the arrangement, it was always annie being fucked from the back. she can see the clearness of mikasa’s skin, not a single imperfection in sight.

“don’t you like it when i beat the shit out of you?” mikasa’s voice is low, her hand starts to pull annie’s pants down, along with her underwear. for the first time, she sees the soft patch of blonde hair just above annie’s cunt, and annie can feel her heart pounding in her veins.

annie isn’t so sure if mikasa is making a joke or not, but it doesn’t quite reach her ears as one. she only swallows, half shrugging. “i’m not in the mood.”

she remembers saying those exact words that same night mikasa had came into her room, fuming. though this time, annie knows there’s a sense of security in the air. 

mikasa’s fingers perch on her hips now, tugging annie towards her. “then,” her hands just feel so much warmer now, it’s pleasant. “do you want me to be gentle?” annie can’t help the flips her stomach does at mikasa’s sentence. 

she nods, however her breath becomes hitched in her throat. mikasa takes her silence as an answer, spreading her legs. annie knows she’s wet already, and to think she was unable to feel aroused unless there was some form of violence involved. mikasa lines the toy up with her center, slowly pushing it in through her folds. 

she’s full, like the first time, although now, annie can focus on the feeling of it rather than the fear of mikasa going too far.

“is it good?” mikasa’s breath is on her neck, she’s so  _ close _ and up in her face all of a sudden. it almost shocks annie, how sweet mikasa can be, amidst everything else. her hands rest delicately on her hips, shifting the toy at a reasonable pace. somehow, it feels better than the pain she inflicts. 

“yes.” annie shamelessly gasps when the toy finds her sweet spot, and mikasa grounds it further into her core. annie’s hands find their way to grip onto mikasa’s back, bunching up her shirt in the process. she can’t remember if there was a rule about touching in the arrangement, but annie can’t care less about that in the moment, not when mikasa is taking her time like this. 

it almost, no, it  _ does _ feel better. it feels better than all the other times, and annie wonders if this is actually the real mikasa - soft, caring. annie also notices that mikasa doesn’t try to lift up her shirt this time. annie is glad she’s learnt her lesson. 

mikasa picks her pace up, the strap-on sliding in and out of annie with ease, who just about stops herself from moaning out loud, because that would be  _ too _ embarrassing, even if there was a shift in the air around them. annie decides not to get too comfortable.

but it’s hard when mikasa is thrusting her hips deep into her, and annie feels like she’s going to climax. 

she does not call out mikasa’s name when she reaches her peak, though the grip on mikasa’s shirt tightens with every passing second building up, annie can sense herself twitching uncontrollably underneath mikasa before it’s too late. her breaths come out in short pants, it goes straight to her head, and her eyes are glazed over. 

“are you okay?” mikasa lifts her head up from annie’s shoulder, and annie can see her through her dazed vision. there’s some sweat on her temple, but nonetheless, it doesn’t hinder her looks in any way.

“i’m okay.” annie winches when mikasa pulls the toy out of her. she feels empty now, even more so when mikasa gets up and a cold breeze runs over annie. 

it takes her a second to stop lying there like an unwanted guest, her legs still feel like jelly, annie actually notices that they’re shaking from the aftermath of her orgasim. mikasa throws her a blanket, once the strap is discarded. annie tilts her head in confusion. 

what mikasa brings up has annie wanting to gouge her eyes out.

“are those really from reiner?” mikasa eyes drift to annie’s shirt once again, which has slightly ridden up her stomach in the meantime. annie just covers herself up with the blanket.

panicky, she says the first thing that comes to mind, which is a snarky reply.

“it seems like you suddenly care.” annie bites, but there’s no malice to it. annie wishes she weren’t this stubborn, especially when she can see mikasa starting to flare up. she braces herself for the worst, perhaps mikasa will finally kick her out when she realizes annie has overstayed her welcome.

except, mikasa doesn’t get mad, annie can see that she goes to calm down. maybe she’s controlled her temper. instead, mikasa sits down on the edge of her bed just opposite from annie. 

“i’m just curious.” mikasa tugs at her shirt, annie can see her black bra peeking out from underneath the thin material. “you’ve always had..” annie knows mikasa doesn’t want to say it out loud, and she respects her for it. but it still hurts that she even has a  _ clue _ .

“that’s because you always beat me.” annie replies, looking up at the ceiling. it was way nicer than her own, the paint didn’t peel at the ends and it was a solid, blocky color. 

“you like it, though.”

but..does she  _ really _ ? the more annie thinks about it, the more she feels like her sudden impulses to have mikasa’s rough hands marking purple splotches on her body Is just a front she wants to put on. she can’t say she enjoys it all the time - but rather a way to cope. 

annie sighs, the air suddenly feels so heavy now. “maybe someday, i’ll tell you.”

from the corner of her eye, annie sees mikasa biting her lip. she hates how it stirs something up in her.

“is this still on?”

“what?” 

“the arrangement.”

annie already feels drowsy and worn out from the night, so she doesn’t pay too much attention or try to think of a reasonable explanation as to  _ why _ mikasa is asking her this, or if there’s actually any meaning behind it, so annie shrugs, tiredly.

“only if you want it to be. you made it, after all.”

her eyes droop slightly, the darkness takes over her and the warmth from the blanket wrapped around her body lulls her to sleep. but before she lets her mind drift into unconsciousness, annie can’t help but think just how intimate tonight was.


	7. it's so sweet, swinging to the beat

when annie wakes up in an unfamiliar room, immediately she starts to panic. the events of last night have merged into one, annie can’t remember anything except for the party, reiner getting too drunk to drive her home, and…

“fuck.” annie says out loud when she looks up to the ceiling, the one with the perfect paint job and no cracks, and she knows she’s messed up somehow. 

mikasa isn’t in the room, thankfully, annie wouldn’t know how to react if she woke up and the raven haired girl was lying right next to her, sleeping soundfully. but she can see that the door to her room is slightly open. maybe she left for something.

still, in the time that annie gets up from bed, finds her discarded panties and jeans folded neatly on the ground, to which she wonders why mikasa even bothered to do such a thing, is when she realizes what they actually did last night, and the cause of the unnecessary beating of her heart.

her and mikasa had sex. like, normal people sex. there was no pain, no uncomfortable moments were annie would be lying on her stomach and thinking what has her life come to. yet the problem was annie didn’t know how to feel about this. of course, there was no doubt mikasa was attractive, she was probably the most attractive person in the entire school. just...annie knows nothing about relationships. does she even want to be in a relationship? with mikasa, nonetheless? 

annie doesn’t want to think about it. she only slips on her bottoms, opens up the window, and leaves, instead deciding to bunk at reiner’s for the rest of the weekend rather than her own home.

xx

school rolls around and annie finds herself ignoring mikasa once again. she thinks that it’s become some sort of habit, to disregard her more than usual. but after the night of the party, annie knows there’s something developing, as much as she hates it, and hates to think about it, annie can’t help that bubbly feeling whenever mikasa crosses her mind.

she had been so sweet, and maybe  _ that’s _ what suddenly made her so desirable. though, mikasa was always desirable, annie ponders, whether she’s beating the shit out of her or being gentle. 

so, annie fights with this newfound feeling. it isn’t like her to promptly become attached, or wanting  _ more _ , however mikasa gives her everything, she fulfills annie’s every need, every impulse. annie just wonders when it’ll soon become enough for her, if that will even happen, or if she’ll crave something else. 

it also doesn’t help that reiner decides to sit with eren’s group of friends during lunch, since they bonded  _ so _ well during historia’s party, which, unfortunately, includes mikasa too. she cringes when her and bertholdt follow reiner to their table, because all the while, annie senses mikasa’s eyes on her. 

and they are still on her when she goes to sit down.

it’s awkward enough as it is, they’re both on the end of the table, opposite each other. in fact, they are completely separated from the conversation of the other side. eren and reiner are barking about something unnecessary, and armin and bertholdt mention a thing or two about science, or whatever. 

annie just eats her lunch silently, or as normally as she can with mikasa’s gaze. they don’t talk, thankfully, it would’ve been odd to explain to the guys next to them how and  _ why _ they’ve suddenly started to speak to each other, when they never have before. 

annie is glad when the bell rings so soon, she doesn’t have to deal with her guilt of leaving abruptly from that night every time she peers at mikasa through her eyelashes. 

as the boys get up from their seats, eren and reiner still playfully slapping each other on the neck as boys do, annie gets up too, but mikasa has a grip on her sleeve and yanks her back down. annie still flinches. she doesn’t try to look too deep into mikasa’s confused expression. 

“yeah?” annie raises her eyebrow at mikasa’s sudden boldness out in the open.

“tonight?” 

annie then furrows her brows. “it isn’t like you to announce you’re coming over. thought the whole point was that it was at any time.”

mikasa averts her eyes, letting go of annie’s sleeve. she visibly gulps, annie wonders what has her so nervous. “i just wanted to let you know, uh. if you’re okay with it...we could do it like last time, if you want.”

annie can see a tint of red at the tips of mikasa’s ears. it makes her feel like laughing, that a person like mikasa is able to feel embarrassed. it makes her forget her own blush, spreading across her cheeks. 

it furthers her heart beat, to think that mikasa wanted to have genuine sex with her. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, maybe annie would prefer it more. the physical abuse could only go so far, and with her father..

shit. annie quickly remembers how she did  _ not _ come home at all during the weekend, and how angry her father must be to find out that, one, she had sneaked out at night, and two, she didn’t come back. 

how could she even let it slip from her mind?

her face turns anxious, it finally makes mikasa look back up at her. “um, my father..he..”

the way that mikasa stiffens in her seat and the way that her jaw sets, annie thinks it would definitely be attractive in another situation, doesn’t go unnoticed by her. 

but annie’s throat clogs up, and mikasa doesn’t really say anything in response. she only grabs a scrap piece of paper from her bag, and a spare pen, and writes down a slew of numbers onto the paper - which annie figures is her phone number. mikasa’s expression is hard when she gives it to her. 

“i’m not stupid.” mikasa lowers her voice. immediately, annie can feel her entire world starting to crash down. her body rigidifies beyond its peak, and she just feels so dumb because she  _ knew _ she couldn’t fool mikasa, she’s observant and a genius and annie wants to crawl up and die.

she gulps, resisting herself as to not break out in tears so quickly. “how’d you know?” 

“the door. and reiner would never play so rough with you.” mikasa rules out annie’s blatant lie, and annie stays silent, looking down -  _ ashamed _ . she never knew that mikasa finding out would cause her this much guilt, a few months ago, she would’ve never let it slip out of her mouth, or she would’ve never been so careless about the door.

mikasa sighs and crosses her arms. she gets up from her chair, towering over annie’s small figure. “you could’ve told me, you know.”

then, annie’s face merges into an expression of confusion, slight irritation, at mikasa’s sudden words. “why would i tell you?” annie squints up at mikasa. it was hard enough as it was to even  _ deal _ with that shit, and mikasa acting like a savior - when annie was certain she never cared in the first place, gave mixed emotions. “so you can laugh at me and make it worse? so you can sneak into my room in the middle of the night and do the same thing?”

mikasa’s face drops instantly. “is that how you really think of me?” she looks so taken aback, and annie wishes she would shut her mouth - that she should stop pushing so much, but she carries on. 

“well, it’s true, isn't it? you’ve done it before.” 

“because you  _ wanted _ it.” 

maybe so, there was a time and place where it was all annie knew, pain, barely any pleasure, and mikasa was her main source of it. her only way out. however, that’s all gone now, it disappeared the moment mikasa laid such  _ gentle _ hands on her, when she made her actually feel good and annie realized that her way of coping with her father’s rough demeanor was never a good option. 

annie bites her lip. now, all she knew was to let go. “but you don’t genuinely give a fuck..do you?”

mikasa straightens herself, she becomes cold once again. like the mikasa that annie knew before, before everything and anything and before her life turned to shit. “i care more than you think. i  _ knew _ you were getting your ass beat every time you went home.” her harsh words make annie flinch, but they were still true nevertheless. mikasa clenches her fists, pointing an offending finger at annie. “i only wanted to look out for you. it’s not my fault you caught feelings.”

annie’s eyes bulge out at her statement, yet she can’t deny the fact that she  _ did _ . annie never fell for anyone, but she ended up falling for mikasa in all the worst ways possible - and before she even knew it. “you caught feelings too.” annie’s voice trembles, it’s much more noticeable now. 

“no, i didn’t.” mikasa can be such a terrible liar, annie thinks.

“then what was that just now, huh? and did that night mean anything to you - or did you think you could get away with being kind? is your ego too big to realize that?” annie bites back, she’s aggravated and upset, and her heart tears in two all the same. 

she knows she’s done it bad this time when mikasa doesn’t even bother to reply, just shoves past annie, no sneaky glances or glares. annie wonders how many times she’ll be in this same situation, where mikasa would just walk away from her, and annie would just regret everything.


	8. when i know that you're doing it all for me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> near the end of the book :'(

annie goes home after her fight with mikasa. her mind is clouded by hurt, judgement, anger - all the things she never knew that mikasa could actually bring out in her.

and it hurts, it does, for her to not come to truth with her feelings and just walk away like this, but then again, annie has always been stubborn. there has never been a time and a place where she let her emotions get the best of her, until now. 

when she opens her door, her father is waiting for her as usual. and as usual, when annie sees the empty alcohol bottles scattered across the floor, she knows she has to just suck it up. there was no point in hiding anything anymore, especially when mikasa knows now. 

he yanks her blonde locks tightly, the mere force pulls her hair out of her buns, instead wrapped around her father’s hand.

“why weren’t you home?!” he shakes her against the door, but annie bites her lip and doesn’t answer. “you snuck out, didn’t you? and you think i wouldn’t notice?!” him yelling in her face is definitely unpleasant, however when annie fails to respond again, her father shoves her to the ground. annie lets herself fall. 

his shoe collides with her ribs, annie forces out a gust of air from her mouth at the contact, it will probably match with her older bruises, faded and pale, but most certainly not forgotten. 

“i raised you better than this, you bitch.” he spits, digging his shoe further into her skin. god, and he just  _ had _ to wear this formal dress shoes with the pointy tips. “aren’t you gonna fight?” he sneers, annie wants to punch him in his disgusting face so badly, but her energy is already drained. it wasn’t like she was able to fight back against him anyway. 

still, annie manges to choke out a small word. or as comprehensible as she can with sharp ache rising her chest. “fuck..you.” annie sputters, and damn, if this was going to be her final words, at least she would go out with a bang. 

though, annie must’ve done something right in her life, because her father doesn’t reply, only gives her one last glare, and another painful kick to her ribs, before he grabs his coat, sprayed with the scents of beer, and leaves through the door.

annie sighs.

xx

she’s able to crawl back to her room, ignoring the hot spurts of pain each time she moves her body. by the time she props the chair up underneath the lock, and slides down the door in an attempt to soothe the hurt, tears burst out of her eyes before she even notices it.

was this how she lived now? it wasn’t like she could remember a time before this, but annie imagines, rather, she  _ hopes _ it would’ve been a little bit better. and now she had gotten herself involved with mikasa, just another burden to add onto her shitty life. 

except, mikasa wasn’t just a burden. in fact, she wasn’t one at all. yes, there were times before when annie would dread seeing her face as she walked into school, and every time mikasa had cornered her in an empty space. however, with each passing moment, annie found herself slowly falling. and annie never falls.

moreso, annie figures it’s her fault for bringing up an arrangement like this, and mikasa’s fault for actually going through with it and establishing it. though, she should’ve known better than to become attached. 

just...that night of the party. mikasa was so kind, so gentle. annie can’t stop thinking about it. maybe mikasa was actually like this - sweet, soft. maybe annie was wrong. 

a sharp sting in her ribs reminds her that she’s  _ still  _ hurting, and her tears are still streaming down her cheeks. annie barely take a breath, each time she attempts to, the ache only gets worse.

then, she quickly remembers the paper she shoved into her pocket earlier, and immediately annie pulls it out. grabbing her phone from the dresser, annie calls the number. 

it rings a few times, every second feels like a whole hour, and her ears start to drown from the soft buzzing sound of her phone. annie almost feels like giving up, after all, that’s all she’s known what to do nowadays. 

the phone clicks.

“m-mikasa?” annie’s distressed voice wavers through the line as she tries to keep her breathing leveled. 

“what’s wrong?” there’s some rustling on the other line, and annie wishes she could see what mikasa looked like right now, if she was concerned, if she was scared, or even if she was still angry at her from earlier. 

“just come over. please.” her desperation must’ve been a wake up call for mikasa, because she immediately states that she’s on her way, hanging up. annie isn’t sure whether to feel glad that mikasa’s coming, or upset that she didn’t stay on the call with her when annie needed it. 

xx 

eventually, mikasa hops in through the window, annie realizes she leaves it unlocked more often now, but she doesn’t want to think about what that means.

her tears have long been dried, stained on her face in a glossy look, but when she sees mikasa enter her room, they start to fall again. 

“annie.” she breathes, advancing towards her. annie’s happy to know that she  _ is _ worried, so much that there’s a crease in between her eyebrows that annie knows happens only when she’s angry - she’s seen it many times before. 

annie still flinches when mikasa goes to hold her, not by fear, but just by subconscious, though it has mikasa looking at her like she’s done something wrong, in guilt. 

“what did he do to you.” mikasa says sternly, not even a question. her voice is low and her eyes flicker from annie’s face to where she is clutching her chest. only then does annie allow mikasa to touch, lifting up her shirt, yellow and purple bruises garnished with red splotches. 

“fuck.” mikasa grumbles, fingers hovering over her skin, annie’s hurtful sobbing ringing in her ears. “do you want to leave?” mikasa offers. given her distressed outburst, annie thinks it could be good, to get away from all this and everything. but she knows she can’t, this is her life now, and mikasa by her side won’t hinder it in any way, even if the thought seems nice.

annie shakes her head - she’s sure the chair under the door will hold up if her father decides to come back. “he’s gone.” 

“then what do you want me to do?”

“just stay.” annie begs, grasping mikasa’s hand, and she thinks that it’s the only thing that is enough for her right now. “i’m sorry about before. i shouldn’t have said that.”

mikasa gulps, squeezing her hand tightly. the terror is apparent in her eyes, annie would be as well if she were in this situation, to see her scared and hopeless like this. she knows now that mikasa does care, she cares a whole lot more than possible. and annie wonders if there will always be enough room for her.

“i’m sorry too.” 


	9. you want my groupie love

mikasa stays until the sun sets and the light of the moon illuminates annie’s dark and cold room. though, it definitely feels less lonely with mikasa next to her like this, clutching, holding.

by the constant silence, except for annie’s heavy breathing and mikasa’s small sighs, her father hasn’t been back since, thankfully. annie wouldn’t know what to do if he came back. but she prefers the warmth from mikasa over anything else. 

until mikasa takes a breath and slowly starts to pull away, and annie feels a sheet of ice fall over her. 

“it’s getting late, i should probably go.” her tone seems so unsure, her eyes are still darting over annie’s form. annie can feel her heart sinking with every moment that mikasa pauses to look at the unlocked window and the shimmer from the light reflecting on the metal surface.

annie grabs her hand again, but more timidly this time, and mikasa finally looks back at her again.

“what is it?”

“i don’t want you to leave.” annie knows she sounds so pathetic right now, so small and tiny under a pillar of judgement. but mikasa doesn’t have it in her to judge anymore. “please.”

mikasa doesn’t. she settles down - she’s calmer than she was previously. still worried, yet less angry. but when mikasa gazes into her eyes, she just feels so much safer, like there’s a branch reaching out to her, comforting.

annie’s leaning in before she even processes it, she knows she’s not really thinking clearly, but at this point she doesn’t care. nothing matters, anyway. though, mikasa leans in too, her other hand comes up to cup annie’s cheek, and her lips are on her in an instant. 

they’ve never kissed before, hell,  _ annie’s _ never kissed properly before. to think she’s had sex and feelings and not a single peak on the lips. but this time it finally feels right. it’s soft,  _ mikasa _ is soft. just like in all the ways she started to become warm, she was soft. 

her tongue moves around, baring annie’s teeth, and it’s such a weird feeling, almost feels cold, however, mikasa starts to suck on her bottom lip instead, and it feels like a fresh breeze of air. her hands roam around, from her neck to her hips, resting lightly as if to not hurt her any further, annie’s tired of getting hurt. 

mikasa pushes her down slightly, finally breaking away from their heated interlocking. her eyes are certain, mikasa  _ knows _ what she wants - she’s just waiting for annie to do the same.

“do you want it, annie?”

annie’s already out of breath, really, she should’ve worked out more in the past, but mikasa’s intoxicating kisses can steal all of her breaths, and she would allow it. “i don’t have a strap.” she whispers, then realizes that her and mikasa have never had sex  _ without _ a strap before. she supposes it would’ve been less intimate than basic contact. however, annie still caught feelings even then.

mikasa starts to peel off annie’s jeans, just like that time at her house, except mikasa’s being much more cautious, more slow. “i’ll use my fingers.” she replies, and annie nods. her stomach flips at the mere thought of a part of mikasa being inside of her. 

the cool breeze hits her unclothed pussy, when mikasa pulls her pants down by the waistband, annie nearly flinches until mikasa puts a reassuring hand on her hip.

“easy.” she says, soothing. her fingers find their way to annie’s already slick folds, and annie kind of hates how clearly mikasa knows her way around her body. she doesn’t except any less from her, annie knows mikasa has always been observant, even if there were times where she wished she wasn’t for the sake of her own privacy. 

mikasa sinks her fingers inside, it feels better than the strap by a landslide, annie can actually sense mikasa, not just a piece of plastic moving in and out of her. she grips mikasa’s forearms as she shifts, mouth open.

“mikasa.” annie pants, her forehead resting on mikasa’s shoulder. it hits her that this is the first time she's actually said mikasa’s name during sex, the arrangement forbid the calling of names in the act. mikasa grunts at this, which just shows to annie how much she’s willing to be so intimate with her.

annie can feel herself tightening, mikasa is just too good, and she’s always been good. there was a reason why annie kept coming back, if everything else didn’t mean anything. but it does now, and that’s all that matters.

“mikasa, i’m gonna cum.” annie breathes, feeling that blissful buildup, and the way mikasa is holding her right now, carefully. her thrusts are more paced, she whispers comforting words into annie’s ears as she curls her fingers up, and annie moans. 

“i’ve got you.” mikasa says when annie’s walls clench around her fingers, allowing her to ride out her climax when she pushes deeper, annie definitely feels like she’s seeing stars cross her vision. 

“fuck.” she puffs, sweat trickling down the side of her skull, eyes dazed. mikasa smiles - it’s an odd expression to see on her, usually, cold face, but it has annie settling down. “i feel weird.”

mikasa pulls away, instead opting to lay down next to annie, who is still attempting to catch her breath. she raises her eyebrow in concern. “was it too much?”

annie shakes her head, deciding that she doesn’t want to look at her depressing ceiling anymore, turning her head to look at mikasa. “no, like, emotionally,”

“oh.” there’s a pause, and mikasa’s eyes avert slightly. “me too.”

annie sits up, her body still hurts but that’s all subdued by the immense tension floating around them in the air. “i’ve felt like this since the night of the party.”

mikasa’s eyes snap back to her’s. there’s some sense of familiarity. “have you?”

her feeling for mikasa have always been a bundle of tangled cords, she isn’t so sure if she actually likes her or likes the blatant attention that mikasa always seems to give her, but the more annie stares, the more mikasa’s eyes open up to her, that she decides it’s neither lust nor love, but rather a contempt feeling in between that annie thinks is good enough for her.

“yeah, but i’m not gonna say i love you. i’m not like that.” annie nervously tucks a stray piece of blonde hair behind her ear. she doesn’t know why she’s so nervous.

however, mikasa’s soft chuckle immediately puts her at ease. “i know.”

“and we’re not friends either.” 

“sure.”

annie swallows the tiny lump in her throat. “but you’d be here if i needed you, right?”

“right.” 

annie nods, looking anywhere  _ but _ mikasa, though from her corner of her eye, there’s a small smirk on her lips. her soft lips..

“the arrangements off, by the way.” 

_ it’s reasonable _ . annie ponders. it isn’t like either of them have enough energy to continue something like that, though it was fun while it lasted. and annie knew it wasn’t all  _ just _ pain, that night at mikasa’s was a show of that. 

“so now what?” annie isn’t quite sure where to go with this, neither of them really thought this far ahead. 

mikasa’s hand comes to rest on annie’s knee. it nearly jolts a shock right up annie’s spine at the sudden contact. but it’s nice, it’s...intimate. “what are you going to do about your father?”

then there was her father. he hasn’t been home since, but he does always come back. annie doesn’t want to stress enough about this, especially now that mikasa is on her side. “dunno. let’s just hope he bashes his head and dies, or something.”

another chuckle leaves mikasa’s mouth, annie is glad she’s able to garner another emotion from her that isn’t hurt or anger. though, it’s gone as soon as it comes, because mikasa’s mouth turns into a straight line, and her eyes darken. “but if he ever does something to you,” a possessive look washes over mikasa’s pale features. “you call me right away.” she squeezes annie’s knee.

annie nods again, the way that mikasa becomes overprotective suddenly sparks a feeling of arousal in her. she saves it for later. “maybe i’ll tell you one day.” she realizes she has said those same words back when, lying down cautiously on mikasa’s bed. annie wonders if she’ll remember. “when we’re friends.”

“so you want to be friends?”

“would be a start.”

mikasa shakes her head, lips turning up again. “this is so dysfunctional, i mean, we had sex the first time.”

annie shrugs, reaching for her pack of cigarettes behind her on her nightstand. she hastily grabs one, and her lighter, and watches as mikasa peers through the flicker of the flames, doey eyed. annie just playfully blows the smoke into mikasa’s face when she exhales, causing the other girl to scrunch her nose in disgust. annie finds it cute. mikasa was cute.

“this is just the beginning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg I can't believe I even had the attention span to create a multific and acc finish it....thanks to everyone who supported and enjoyed this story!!!! lots of luv


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